Abbey Hey 0 GNE 1

Is Abbey Hey in Gorton? A simple question on the face of it but, it seems, difficult to answer definitively. Differences of opinion surface as a result of this question and the address of the football ground, which is The Abbey Stadium, Goredale Avenue, Gorton, does little to help. Perhaps we leave this one for another day but recall that earlier in the season Cod thought that Bootle FC played in Bootle well, well.

We enter the ground via what could be described as a drive through turnstile – how many of these do we see on our travels? £5 entrance and £1 for a programme. The main feature of this programme is several pages of football related “jokes”. An enterprising idea but we wonder if they have the same set of jokes for every programme in the season? If so, this shows a certain lack of imagination. If, on the other hand, there are different jokes for every home game then this would show a commendable diligence.

Neat and tidy ground enhanced by glorious, if slightly unseasonal, sunshine. This prompts a discussion on “Indian Summers” and if we are experiencing such. In the true spirit of scientific debate, it’s good to have a few definitions to start with. There is some contention concerning the definition of an Indian Summer. The one preferred by your ageing scribe relates to the early settlers from Europe into the United States. Much of the area which is now West Virginia is at sea level and gets fiercely hot and humid in the summer months becoming a breeding ground for all sorts of diseases. These early settlers fell foul of many of these diseases, for which they had no previous exposure, and died like flies – appropriate in some ways as flies were responsible for the transmission of some of these deadly diseases. After a couple of years of this, the early settlers, their population now decimated by disease, noticed that the local Indians (or Native Americans as we now have to call them in this increasingly politically correct world in which we live in – horrible English and there is a song in there which is appropriate in the context of this part of this narrative (no prizes for guessing but have a go)) were absent from these low level, disease infested, regions during the summer. It was later discovered that these canny Native Americans knew all about the local conditions – not surprising really as they has been there for hundreds of years – and moved to higher ground to escape the intense heat and the disease associated with it. The typical climate, in summer, in these higher regions was later discovered to be a daytime temperature of around 70 Fahrenheit, with typically blue skies and little wind. Night time temperatures dropped away to the early 50s Fahrenheit. In these conditions, there were no “killer diseases”, the Native Americans survived to carry on yet another year and this weather pattern came to be known as an “Indian Summer”. In modern times, an Indian Summer is more associated, in the Northern Hemisphere, with this type of weather pattern in late October and early November. So, are we having an Indian Summer? – I leave you to decide, dear reader.

But back to The Abbey Stadium. The GNE travelling army head off to the well appointed clubhouse for refreshments. Boddies and Becks (extra cold – yuk) on draught (draft is American and, therefore, by definition, not English) and a selection of Hollands pies. We know Hollands pies very well and, quite rightly, they are described as average. Such is the strength in depth of the GNE away support, around 75 out of a crowd given as 132, that the lone barman begins to struggle to cope with demand and a long queue forms – yet another example, perhaps, of a club seriously misjudging the strength of our away support. When all are suitable refreshed, one of our number is heard to ask “Where’s the home supporters bar then?” The new Supporters Club members lapel badges arrive and are distributed. Proudly wearing our new badges - and very smart they are too – we leave the well appointed clubhouse and are treated to the announcer calling out the teams over the Tannoy. He sounds exactly like an underwater Dalek and each player is called “gurgle, gurgle” – never been much good at onomatopoeia (see if you can do better – I’m sure you can). We set up “camp” in the Abbey Hey version of the Surrey Street scratting shed – four flags this week – magnificent. This scratting shed is generally unremarkable in structure but does contain some interesting graffiti which includes e-mail addresses – a sign of the times perhaps.

The players enter the arena with our lone striker sporting distinctive red football boots – no comment. The GNE starting 11 is the same as the last match – consistency!

With 10 minutes to go to half time, one of our more senior members heads off to the bar to be sure to get a half time pint before the lone barman is overwhelmed by the demand. However, full marks to the organisation at Abbey Hey, having recognised the strength of the GNE travelling army, rapid arrangements have been made and there are now two barmen. Well done to Abbey Hey and a lesson to other clubs in our division here perhaps.

After 45 minutes, its half time and the mighty GNE having, for the second match running, failed to give the opposition the almost mandatory goal start, lead 1-0.

The second have is a “scratchy” affair and the away supporters grow twitchy (not itchy – remember the midges at Rammy?) as the score remains at 1-0. The mood is enlivened somewhat by Oggie and Cod texting one of our absent supporters with conflicting information about the state of the match. Childish perhaps but certainly entertaining – poor boy! However at the final whistle it’s 1-0 to the might GNE. Three points in the bag and a move up the league table almost certain.

Before we even manage to leave the ground, the goalposts and nets are securely locked away in a container – looked like an exercise up to the standards of the Royal Tournament - although your ageing scribe believes that the Royal Tournament no longer exists – political correctness possibly. Maybe this exercise in semi-military precision answers the question of whether we are in Abbey Hey or Gorton….