“Watching football at St. Helens Town is a surreal experience.”
“Oh yeh, why is that?”
“Well, the stadium is a very old Rugby League ground known until recently as Knowsley Road but now called the GPW Recruitment Stadium – the power of advertising! The capacity is something like 17,500. It is in a bad state of repair and the suggestion is that the Rugby League club are having a new ground built for the 2012 Rugby League season.”
“Doesn’t sound too bad, we’ve see many grounds in a poor state of repair on our travels, so why “surreal”?”
“Largely to do with how to accommodate an average league gate of around 150 this year into such a big place. You see, they employ stewards who make sure that you cannot go anywhere they do not want you to go. When we came here last year, on a foul midweek night in March, we were all kept in the big main stand opposite where the TV cameras are for Rugby League games. Must have been around 50 supporters and a similar number of stewards.”
“Surely you exaggerate the number of stewards.”
“Well yes, but only slightly – there were a lot of stewards. Really don’t know who pays them but must be some arrangement with the Rugby League club as the gate money would never pay the steward’s wages.”
“OK then, but being a major Rugby League ground must bring some compensations in terms of spectator facilities.”
“Yes, it should do shouldn’t it? However, whilst you could get a pie and a cup of tea last year, that was about it. No bar, so no suitable refreshments. In addition, the stadium is completely non-smoking and is very difficult to get out of in order to have a smoke even at half-time. If you can find a friendly steward and convince him that you’re going out to the corner shop or the chippy you are OK – otherwise, forget it!”
“Hmm, interesting, perhaps, but not really “surreal”.”
“No, you’re right. The really surreal bit is watching the match. Imagine what it’s like watching from high up in an all-seater stand in a huge ground with very few people in attendance – almost ghost like and every word from any foul mouthed manager or coach echoes under the roof of the stand and is heard clearly. Good pitch, excellent floodlights and protection from the elements. This is absolutely the opposite of what we are used to at this level of football – except for the excellent pitch at Surrey Street of course, keep up the good work Barry - and not many people like it. We are more used to wandering around the ground wherever the mood takes us - on one glorious occasion even joining the home team assistant manager in the dugout - and braving the elements out there. More importantly, we’re used to seeing the action from pitch level. As one wag said to me last year, “watching the mighty GNE from up in that stand at St. Helens makes you realise that we play to a formation!””
“OK, this is not now sounding too good. So just why are we travelling all this way on a Saturday Afternoon to watch a football match in conditions which don’t really sound very appealing?”
“Well, we are the GNE travelling army” – cue for a song!
Just a snippet of conversation as we prepare for our outing to Knowsley Road. The Supporters Club minibus leaves the Friendship pretty much on time and after a smooth drive by Shifty arrives at Knowsley Road. Mindful of the part of the above conversation relating to suitable refreshment, we retire to a nearby pub “which Oggie knows”. This turns out to be the Black Bull which has little or nothing to recommend it unless you are a lager drinker as the “1664” was said to be “excellent”. Being a real ale drinker, when given the option, not sure what you can do to 1664 to make it good, bad or indifferent but there you are!
Suitably refreshed, or not as the case may be, we head off to the stadium. £5 entrance and £1.20 for a really very good programme. Lots of articles which are topical, a football quiz and a sports related crossword in addition to the normal statistics. There is, it seems, also an online version of the programme. Very good indeed and a real contender for the unofficial GNE Away award for Best Programme in the Vodkat League Premier Division.
Then, all the worst fears relating to stewarding are realised. There are around 10 stewards in fluorescent jackets marshalled by a guy in a blue jacket sporting a Bluetooth type earpiece. As we are herded into the only part of the ground which appears to be open – the main seated stand – various nasty rumours start to circulate.
No cameras!! Not even for the GNE Official Photographer. Some reference here to public liability insurance and the possibility of something falling off the end stand and injuring somebody. What this means is, of course, that the stadium is in bad condition and the requirement to move by the 2012 Rugby League season is confirmed. Interestingly, perhaps, a lone spectator, not one of ours, manages to get onto the terraces at the end stand behind the goal where he is promptly joined by one of the stewards – one on one stewarding, words fail me!
No pie trays in the stand!! Decent pies, apparently, but it seems necessary to consume the pie in the concourse area and dispose of the foil tray, responsibly of course, before moving out in sight of the pitch. Reason for this is completely unclear – I leave it to your own imagination.
These are just two examples, so far, of a totally heavy handed approach to non-league football at Step 5. Mutterings among the GNE travelling support of around 40, from an official crowd of 129, of the Stasi and other references to activities to the east of the old Iron Curtain. For more insights, readers are directed to the thread on the GNE Message Board entitled “St. Helens”.
The first goal, by Darren Hamilton, is recorded by the stadium announcer as being in favour of “Glossop Town”, dear oh dear – who are we, who are we??? After 45 minutes, it’s half time and 4-0 to GNE after a quality performance. The nicotine addicted amongst us then try to escape the non-smoking stadium for a quick smoke. Absolutely impossible, and, even after polite negotiations with a couple of the stewards, the old wheeze about visiting the corner shop or the chippy doesn’t work this time. Seems like the stewards live in fear of the head steward with the blue jacket and the Bluetooth style earpiece – “only following orders mate” – references here to the Nuremberg Trials perhaps - to be honest, we don’t blame them. It seems that the only way to get a half-time smoke is to leave the ground, have a smoke and then pay £5 to get back in again. What is going on here? Various mutterings amongst our members relating to Human Rights and even prisoners being allowed to smoke. Anyone want to take a case to the European Court of Human Rights? Having been denied a cigarette, the Supporters Club Chairman of Vice buys a Bovril. Not quite the same but an interesting marketing opportunity perhaps - Bovril as a nicotine substitute – don’t think it will catch on somehow.
The impressive floodlights come on in the second half and the less than rose tinted varifocals of your ageing scribe make visibility a bit suspect – really must do something about this.
At the end of the match it’s 5-1 to the mighty GNE and that’s the only real consolation in what has been a less than enjoyable afternoon. One of the saddest parts of the day comes when one of our more senior members asks not to be included with the GNE travelling army next time we come to Knowsley Road – speaks volumes does this…
Surreal indeed!!
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