Ashton Athletic 1 GNE 1

Spring is finally with us, after a long, long winter, and thoughts turn to what has been written in celebration of this season of green refreshment – which in this context has nothing to do with either Green Chartreuse or Absinthe!

“On hearing the first cuckoo in Spring” is a tone poem composed in 1912 by Frederick Delius.
The work opens with a slow three bar sequence. The first theme is an exchange of cuckoo calls, first for oboe and then for divided strings. The second theme of the piece is scored for first violins and is taken from the Norwegian Folk song, “In Ola Valley”. The clarinet returns with the cuckoo calls before the piece ends in pastoral fashion.

Now, 1912 is a long time ago and perhaps this work needs to be updated a bit to recognise the passing of time. Perhaps we could suggest something and give it the working title “On hearing the first lawnmower in Spring”. It could then go something like this.
The work opens with a slow walk from the barbecue to the deckchair – glass of something cold and sparkling in hand. The first theme is an exchange of lawnmower rasps, first for Flymo and then for a cacophony of Qualcasts. The second theme of the piece is scored for first strimmers and is taken from the Old English Folk Song “The Cuckoo” - in its recently revived version “The Karcher”. The hedge trimmer returns in imitation of the lawnmower rasps before the piece ends in the Police being called after complaints of car alarms going off all day.

Fanciful perhaps but certainly true to life as the peace of a Sunday afternoon is ruined by all sorts of devices, all containing a motor of some sort, designed, it seems, to take the hard work out of everything but making everybody feel somewhat less than serene. What price real peace and quiet? And, as a final thought, when was the last time any of my dear readers heard a cuckoo in Glossop?

Thinking about serene – this is perhaps not the best description of the trip to Ashton Athletic, but then, this is Saturday and the fractured peace of Sunday is yet to come.

This away trip has been designated as the fancy dress awayday by the Supporters Club. As an added incentive to travel in fancy dress, the normal £6 cost of travel on the minibus has been waived – extra £6 in beer money then. The travellers assemble at The Star having forsaken the normal meeting place of The Friendship on the grounds that Man. City vs. Man United will be on the TV in The Friendship and the place will be crowded – suspect that there is an attempt to minimise the potential embarrassment here! Costumes are rescued from assorted bags and slowly various characters begin to emerge. We have a couple of pirates, a clown, and old lady, something to do with a horses head, Noddy, Batman, a WPC, and a “schoolgirl”. The proud to be Chairman of the Supporters Club arrives sporting yet another example from his extensive range of headgear. Full marks to the Supporters Club Chairman of Vice who arrives in a costume which could be “the Blues Brothers”, a gangster, a wartime “spiv” or a member of Madness. After much discussion, Suggs wins the day. Not much imagination required to suggest that if we repeat the fancy dress awayday next season, he will come in the same outfit and call himself something else – very efficient.

Conversation on the minibus ranges from new songs for our Latvian striker, Artjoms Butorins – helpfully known as Tom – to the recent leader’s debate on ITV. Wide ranging indeed and, after about an hour, the minibus, ably piloted again by Shifty, arrives at Brocstedes Park. £5 entrance and £1 for a programme rather lacking in detail. We meet up with the erudite Haggis who is suitably dressed for the occasion or, possibly, just taking in a bit of afternoon entertainment before moving on to a black tie dinner at some posh place somewhere in Central Manchester.

We enter the well appointed clubhouse and the expressions on the faces of the locals suggest that it is fair to say that Ashton Athletic never expected this. Refreshments all round and talk turns to New Mills away on Monday night. Arrangements are made for representatives of several clearly defined social groups to walk to New Mills and hope to scrounge a lift back. The social groups represented will be the “unemployed”, the “council workers”, the “retired” and, hopefully, the “self employed”. A late bid to be included comes from a representative of “the graduates” and, to be honest, the more the merrier. By general consensus, it is about six miles from Glossop to New Mills. Given this, arrangements are made to meet at The George at midday to be sure of arriving in New Mills in time for a 7.45 pm kick off. Well, if we work it out, that is less than 1 mile per hour but allowances have to be made for the variation in the state of fitness of the participants and that there is a big hill between Glossop and Hayfield!

The GNE travelling army of something like 35 from an official crowd of 46 unfurl the flags and take up positions – a three flag day. 10 minutes before half-time the pies arrive – bit late this as this Ashton is a suburb of Wigan and the locals are well known for their prowess in pie consumption. The description of Wiganers as pie eaters is said to derive from the General Strike of 1926 when, due to starvation, the local mineworkers in the Wigan area were forced to return to work and, therefore, were said to have “eaten humble pie” – although this version of the origins of the description is disputed. Pies described as “not bad” and given a rating of 7 and a half out of 10 by our pie connoisseur with the comment “worth waiting for”. Five minutes later the pies have all been sold and, sadly, we experience another example of an away club underestimating the strength in depth and pie eating capability of the GNE travelling army.

After 45 minutes its half time and the score is tied, 0-0.

Half way through the second half, the multi talented Supporters Club events co-ordinator returns to the clubhouse in an attempt to trigger yet another goal by GNE which he is destined not to witness. Not for the first time this ploy works as GNE take the lead with a goal from our “veteran” striker/midfielder. The goal celebration is probably unique as the fancy dress revellers set off on an improvised conga – practice for the end of season party perhaps - behind the goal and the goalscorer appears to suggest that he should be handcuffed by the WPC as some sort of “reward” – priceless.

At the end of the match the score is 1-1 and we retire to the well appointed clubhouse seeking refreshment for the journey home. Most of the journey is occupied by appropriate songs and the general agreement that we have had a great day out – GNE awaydays just get better and better. Are we likely to repeat this exercise next season?

Don’t bet against it!!